English Jokes Collection

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Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to potty.

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally...
Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.​

 

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A bad day, (Not for children)

[I Didn't write this, I'm just forwarding it from another forum I use, hope you enjoy!]
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage.

But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jump-start the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!"

This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about go. I hurried to the mall
bathrooms.

I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1.Occupied.

2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3.Poo on seat.

4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.


Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a
voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter
slammed shut.

The inane conversation went on and on.

Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal
magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.

The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my a$$ cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that
there was more to come, and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible,
eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had
been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way
under the stall and began choking my poop-mate.

This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible.

It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth...not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags.

My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the
door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only
lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next door stall.

Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll
be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom!!

 

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The Aristorcrats

This joke is c l.

So there is a Rabbi, a Monk, and a Priest in the forest and they are captured by a native tribe.

The Cheif of the tribe chooses the Rabbi first. He says, "You can choose death or the Aristorcrats"

The Rabbi says, "Well, I enjoy my life here, so I'll take the Aristocrats."
So out come 14 guys and they have their way with him, left, right, up, and down. After, that they throw him off in the bushes on the side.

Next, the Priest. The Cheif asks him the same question, "You can choose death or the Aristocrats."
The Prest says, "I've had my share, and seeing that the Rabbi is still breathing, I'll take the Aristocrats."

Again, out come the 14 men and have their way with him. Left, right, up, and down. After they are finished with him they throw him into the bushes.

Lastly, the Cheif comes up to the Monk and again asks the same question, " You can choose death or the Aristorcrats."

The Monk again faced with the same question, "You can choose death or the Aristocrats."

He replys, "After seeing what they've gone though, I'll take death."

The Cheif says, "Ok, but first the Aristocrats!"

 

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Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

 

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Interesting Questions

(1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?"

(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human
being would eat?

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?

(5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the
carpool lane?

(6) If the professor on Gillian's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a
boat?

(7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?

(8) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

(9) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both dogs!

(10) What do you call male ballerinas?

(11) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they
dream??

(12) Why is Trix only for kids?

(13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

(14) Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?

(15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
from?

(17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman
is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

(18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there
are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

(19) If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?

(20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by
a mouse?

(21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?

(22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?

(23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a
car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

And just an after thought... when you read #21, why did
you run through both songs real quick to make sure?

added by whitesand
- If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?

- Who's idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?​

 

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Gorilla on the roof!

Ok so this guy comes home one day to find out that there is a gorilla on his roof. He calls the police and they sent someone.

He showed up with a dog, handcuffs, and a gun.

"Ok, so this is what im gonna do. Im gonna climb up onto your roof, and try and push the gorilla off. This dog is trained specifically for these kinds of events, so the first thing that falls off the roof, the dog is gonna attack it and go for its testicles. The gorilla should try and protect itself with its hands, and at that point i need you to handcuff him. Got it?"

"yeah, but wait, whats the gun for?"

"If the gorilla pushes me off the roof,

Shoot the dog!"

 

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The Perfect Day - For Him

6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the morning paper.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Italian GP circuit to drive F1 car (blow job en-route).
9.45 First 20 laps - equal lap record
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Paragon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Another 20 laps - new lap record
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Paragon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Hatbands cigar in front of wall-size TV as you Watch 5 nations; England beating Scotland by 100 points.
9 .30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

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Blonde Joke (not for kids)

A blonde and her bf getting ready for bed when his **** started to hurt. His doctor told him to put it in milk w.e. it starts hurting. So he goes down stairs, opens the fridge, and sticks his **** in the milk carton. As he's holdin it in the blonde comes in the kitchen and she sees him. She acts suprised and then says "OOOO.. thats how u guys refill those things".

 

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raking leaves

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard when the boys
spots an earthworm trying to get back into it's hole.
"Grandpa," the boys says, "I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
"I'll bet you $5 that you can't" the grandfather replies.
"The worm is too wiggly and limp to put back into that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is completely straight and stiff as a board.
Then the boy stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy $5, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes out and hands the little boy another $5.
"But, grandpa, you already gave me five bucks," the boys says.
"I know," the grandfather replies. "That's from Grandma."

 

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If Nordic Plz Read This

Next time, a child asks you, whether the father Christmas (santa) exists, explain you it just in this way:

1. There are about two billions children (People below 18) on the earth. Still must the father Christmas not visit Moslems, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15 %s or 378 millions. With a world-average on 3.5 children per household, are there consequently 108 millions households to visit, as we accept that there is at least én good child in each household.

2. The father Christmas has, p.g. a. the earth's different time zones and rotation, about 31 hours that clear one's work in, as we accept that he travels from the east against vest, which would be logical to do. That corresponds consequently to that he visits 967,7 households per second. That will consequently say that for each Christian housekeeping with a good child has the father Christmas about 1/1000 second to park the sledge, jump out and jump down through the chimney, fill the socks, that are stuck with the fire place, place the remaining presents down woodyly, eat that sweets, that has put until him, crawl up again through the chimney, jump up in the sledge and continue to the next house. As we accept that all households, who are to be visited, is evenly distributed (it near by we of course that they not are, but we want to accept it for use for the calculations), are there about one km. between each house on averages. That gives a total journey on about 100 millions km, as toilet-visits and breaks are deducted. That means, The father Christmas' sledge flies about 1000 km in the second or 3000 times the sound's speed. For comparison can be mentioned that the fastest created by man vessel ever, the space probe Ulysses, flies about 50 km in the second. Incidentally can a conventional reindeer max. run about 30 km per the hour.

3. The payload in the sledge is another interesting aspect. to As we accept that each child minimum gets a lego-set medium-sized (1 kg), has the sledge include over 500.000 metric tons, the father Christmas not included. On country can a normal reindeer max. draw about 200 kgs. Even if we accept that the special flying reindeer can draw 10 times this weight, can the task not be handled with eight or nine - the father Christmas wanted to need 360.000 reindeer. This will, together with the presents take the sledge's total weight up on about 600.000 metric tons.

4. 600.000 metric tons, which plane with 1000 km in the second creates a huge air resistance. This would heat the reindeer in the same way as a meteor, that comes into the earth's atmosphere. The two leader-reindeer would each absorb an energy on 14.300 trilliards joules per second or 14.300 trilliards watts. They would simply blaze up instantly, and the reindeer behind would be exposed to sonic boom and after that oneself blaze up. The complete reindeer-flock would be burnt down during 4,26 thousandths of a second, that is about when the father Christmas is reached to the fifth house

 

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The Perfect Day - For Her

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

 

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Psalm 129

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way.. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

 

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Blond joke

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on
the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be
a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars
and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The
detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for
two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did
you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde
with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio
says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at
his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one
eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

[**PI**]

Classified Ads In Newspapers

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT
AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 G.A.Y. BULL FOR SALE.
-------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
-----------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER
PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
-------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
-------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
--------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
month.....Wife knows everything.​

 

[**PI**]

Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and
said, "Well maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

[**PI**]

Favourite nursery stories

Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch?
_____________________________________________

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her
fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with
everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second
condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
other...."
______________________________________________

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore,
went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a
little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing
happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
______________________________________________

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she
ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on
his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
______________________________________________

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when
suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding
a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her
picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him
and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the
book!"
______________________________________________

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
fu**ing Goofy."
______________________________________________

 

[**PI**]

bar joke

a guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. the bartender says there on the house if u do three things for me. he says sure! wats the three things. the waiter says first u have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, then theres a bulldog in the back u have to rip out a swolen tooth, and last theres a 80 year old virgin go upstairs and give her, her first orgasm. so he says yes, grabs the tequila chugs it, and then says whats next? the bartender tells him to go outside. for 2 hours the bartender hears weird noses, and then the guy walks in, and says so weres that hoe i was suppose to take a tooth out of? look down for the end



if u still havent figured it out he banged the dog ^)^

 

[**PI**]

James Bond joke quite amusing

James Bond was in a bar with his vodka Martini shaken not stired and a woman walks up to him and says hey it's james bond n starts talking to him. She notices on his wrist a very sleek looking watch and says that's a very nice watch can it do anything special and he says well I can tell if your wearing underwear or not. She says ok lets put it to the test. He looks at it and it says she's not and she says it can't be right I am wearing underwear so he gives a little tap and says OH SHIT IT'S AN HOUR FAST!

 

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Black jokes

f you are black u shouldn't read these cuz you will probley find these offensive And i mean nothing by these jokes.

What do you call a nigger with a peg leg?
Shit on a stick!

Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?
Because they have pubes on their heads!

I like black people . . .
. . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!

Why do black people have white hands?
It rubs off the cop cars!

What do you call two blacks on one bike?
Organized crime!

What do you call a nigger having sex?
Rape!

Why do niggers hate asperin?
Because it's white and it works!


A nigger walks into a bar and says, "Yo! Where do all the homies hang?". The bartender says, "out there", pointing to a tree in the back.

Why haven't any niggers died from West Nile virus?
Mosquitos don't land on shit, only flies do!

What do you call a bunch of old niggers in a barn?
Antique farm equiptment!

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles?
To remind the niggers they used to pick cotton before they were drug dealers!

Why was the nigger with diarrea freaking out?
He thought he was melting!

Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?
He doesn't know he's black.

Why are niggers getting stronger?
T.V.s are getting bigger!

What happened to the nigger who had an abortion?
Crime Stoppers sent her a check for $500!

What does FUBU stand for?
Farmers Used to Buy Us

What does FUBU stand for?
Farmers Used to Beat Us

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think its whale shit!

What do you call a chinese nigger with AIDS?
Coon Die Soon

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers Against All Caucasian People

Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?
He doesn't know he's black

Why was the nigger with diarrea freaking out?
He thought he was melting!

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles?
To remind the niggers they used to pick cotton before they were drug dealers!

What do you call a bunch of old niggers in a barn?
Antique farm equiptment!

Why shouldn't you throw rocks at a nigger driving by?
It could be your car

Why can't Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder read?
They're niggers!

 

[**PI**]

Who's Cheating Who?

There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it. She realizes her husband is using a cucumber! She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a "stupid cheating bastard." He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!"