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American Jokes...

K1t3

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/hmm
this thread i made to post jokes(But in english language :D)
Purchasing a new bird

Panda After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

An engineer and a programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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Not to be harsh, but a little suggestion here. Maybe u should package your joke into sumtin' new and eye catching, know wat i'm saying?? It's English bro, and we're in Indonesia. Maybe people hav to think it's interesting first then they try to read it. I dunno, but in my exp, people did like dat...^^
 

CalvinLimuel

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Well I've seen this joke before!
Hahaha poor programmer....
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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I've got some other jokes here...^^

What will an elephant ask when it see a naked man??
"How do you breath through that thing?!" 0_o?!
A husband go to the public toilet to take a pee. He saw the walL fulL of writting and he wrote something there too. It said "My Wife follows me everywhere, damn!!"
In the next morning the janitor saw more writting on the walL. It's under the husband's writting. It said, "I don't!!"
Hehehehe...:D
 

K1t3

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@silver knight
nice jokes /heh
=))=))=))
elephant =))



/hmm
topic sticked :D
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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Those who want to add some jokes here, just quote it in ur replies. Thx...^^
I'lL be waiting for your gigs. Hehehehe...:D
 

Kazumi_Asakura

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smart elephant... very critical is it ? /omg
 

Dark_Angel

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coming next /gg
Short Conversation
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of
the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know
why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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Wooow, nice one, Dark_Angel. Some of them give me a good laugh...^^
Keep posting bro...^_-
 

quintie

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Need more jokes please :D:D
 

d4rk_13l1t2er

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Well, I don't appear to know how to quote words, so please don't bother if I don't quote 'em... Or can anyone lemme know how :D?


Because he's a chemist and i'm a personal trainer, my fiance and i don't always agree about what eating healthy means. I prefer foods with less fat and fewer calories while he watches out for chemicals and additives.
We were grocery shopping one day and i asked him to go and get some butter. "Which kind," he asked, "cancer or heart attack?"
The minute i walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the beautiful diamond earrings my husband had just given me.
"Those must be real diamonds," she said.
"Yes, they are." I was thrilled she'd noticed. "How could you tell?"
"Because," she said, "nobody buys fake diamonds that small."
Anticipating that i'd be in for a long wait at the hospital waiting room, i'd brought the previous day's paper along. Four hours later, i'd read it from cover to cover and put it on the seat next to me.
One of the three teenage girls sitting opposite, who'd been complaining very loudly about their long wait, came over and asked if she could borrow it. She took it over to her friends, registered it's date, then blurted out loudly, "That man's been here since yesterday!"
 

K1t3

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@above
haha, no prob:D
I edited your post :D
btw, nice jokes /heh
 

d4rk_13l1t2er

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Testing, n hope u guys can understand this one btw :D...

Since my purchases came to $19.06, i handed the cashier a twenty.
"Do you have six cents?" she asked.
"Sorry," i said after fishing around my pockets, "i have no cents."
"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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Agree with K1T3, nice jokes...^^

and

@d4rk_13l1t2er
I get the joke, it's funny...^^
 

Dark_Angel

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next again

Grandma


A warning to all Grandmas... be careful what you say... Little Stevie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Stevie just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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^ I stilL didn't get it, but bring us more...^^

I got some,

"When a Santa, and a perfect couple consist of perfect man and perfect woman meet each other, which ain't no fake??"

It's perfect woman, 'cause there's no such things as Santa Clause or a perfect man... /e4
 

vee_ron2

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Bank teller

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?"
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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^ Hahahaha, so the branch manager's also a "bitch" eih?! lol...
 

SiLveR23_KnighT

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Here, I got one...=p

Kid who is a chelsea fan : Dad,We just won the Champions league
His Dad : Come on son,switch off the playstation.Its way past your bed time...
lolz...
 

tripper

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Here it is...

why was the cat scared of the tree ?

because of its bark!
The interviewer asks,"Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
So the guy responds,"Why I see you have no ears."
Interviewer:"Can you say that agn so I can read your lips?"
The guy reapeats what he said and the boss yells,"I HATE IT when people say that! Send in the next guy!
So the next guy does the same thing along with the 3rd,4th,5th, and 6th guy.
As the 6th guy walks out of the room he whispers to the 7th guy,"Hey don't say anything about his ears,okay? He will kick you right out."
So the 7th guy sits down in the chair and the interviewer asks the question,"Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy takes a long look at him then smiles and says,"Why I see that you wear contacts."
Interviewer:"That's impressive that your so observent. How could you tell
I wear contact lenses?"
7th guy:"Well you don't have any damn ears to hang the glasses on."
How is it?
 
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