English Jokes

[erica_aur]

Military jokes

"Snoring Problem"

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem
with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up
all night watching me."

"Military Sons"

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired.
Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.
With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,"Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United
States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

 

[erica_aur]

toilet trained

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction. The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular," At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air. The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."

 

[erica_aur]

THE DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a **** machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.


And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....


7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.


6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it...I want pictures!!!)


5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.


4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."


3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.


2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.



AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....



Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

 

[erica_aur]

Is This Ahmed?

Ahmed died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
As he had no family, they called up his two best friends, Ah Beng and Kumar.
Ah Beng went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Ah Beng said, "Wah-lau-eh, he's very barbecued like cha siu. But if you would roll him over, I will tell you if he's my friend Ahmed or not."
The mortician rolled the body over.
Ah Beng looked at his ass and said, "Heng-ah! No-lah, dat not Ahmed."
The mortician was puzzled how he was so sure but he didn't say anything.
He went and got Kumar to check the body.
Kumar looked closely and said, "Aiyoyo, it is true he's burnt very bad, but need you to roll him over and I can confirm if he's my friend, Ahmed."
Again the mortician rolled the body over.
Kumar looked down at the ass and said, "Aiyoyo, oh no no, this is definitely not Ahmed."
The mortician, unable to suppress his curiosity any longer, said,
"Okay, you have to tell me now - how can you and Ah Beng tell for sure this is not Ahmed?"
Kumar said, "Well, this Ahmed, he had two assholes."
"What?!!" the mortician said in disbelief, "He had two assholes?!!"
"Oh yes, everyone in the neighborhood knows this. Every time the three of us go out, people always say, ' Here comes Ahmed with the two assholes '."

 

[Ueto Aya]

"Oh yes, everyone in the neighborhood knows this. Every time the three of us go out, people always say, ' Here comes Ahmed with the two assholes '."

wakakakakakakaka asli asli gw guling2an.....

 

[alcapone]

Very ery fun eh , i impressive if you are very good in english /gg /gg /gg

 

[darkwing]

But it's very pitty if anyone don't understand english a little = P

 

[Port_land]

Its Very Good Jokes...this is my first time reading jokes untill i'm giggle

 

[erica_aur]

Its Very Good Jokes...this is my first time reading jokes untill i'm giggle

Are You Sure KK ?

 

[Port_land]

yes i'm sure cc...

 

[Bulubabi]

Military jokes

"Snoring Problem"

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem
with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up
all night watching me."

Homo

grp 4 u /no1

 

[Dark_Angel]

harharharhar

 

[LoVe_ChiKa]

wkakakkakakakakakakakka

 

[Erica]

nice jokes /no1

 

[M412S]

wakakakakakak
lucu juga nih